So, it's 6am again. Yet another night without sleep. I sort of figured out already the reason I don't go to bed, but finding precise statement is always a separate and more difficult problem. So it just occured to me, that basically I prohibit sleeping without having decided what I'm going to do next day. I need to have at least some time of the next day to be 100% occupied. Some deadline coming, some meeting scheduled, anything. Something that requires my action and something that affects other people. Because when there isn't anything involving the outer world I always wake with that single thought in my head: "no reason to be awake".
"No reason to be awake". This thought is really uncomfortable. More like frightening. It is also consequenced either by my refusal to wake up or by me waking and doing something stupid. In the first case I would sleep some longer and then still get up, because too long a sleep makes my body ache. In the second... I usually lose something as well. So this thought is to be avoided.
And it's not that I've got nothing to do, though it often lookts that way. I got lots of things to do. Got lots of ideas to try out, got some projects, got some responsibilities. And yet, right now I'm not working on any of these. Haven't been for quite some time. I'm walking on the streets. I'm drinking. Talking to strangers.
So, right now, as I'm writing this, I ask myself: "Thibaut gave me some quite specific problems; there are quite deterministic steps to be taken to begin the work; why are you not doing it?"
I wouldn't know the reason, but at this moment I'm thinking it is because I don't see what possible impact it could make. So, when somebody in the Skoltech chat asks a stupid question about a lecture, I immediately switch my all attention to it, because I know what impact helping another student would make: it might help another person get the concept and switch to next problem, saving time and effort. It's not much, but it affects something outside. It's not limited just to myself. The effect's almost immediate too, but I don't know if that matters.
I'm not saying I care about other people or anything. I'm just observing facts: naive questions drag my attention just like that, and I'm really failing to begin implementing any of enterprises I'm dreaming of. The only difference between my own ideas and other people's little problems (the only that comes to mind) is that my ideas are limited to my mind and other people's problems exist outside. So it must be that I care about impact and other people after all. Unconsciously, against my will. But I apparently do.