It's 9:38pm and I'm still at the dorm. It is a good sign in a sense...

I'm staying because yesterday I woke up with a real cold: it happened after I, unable to sleep because of spasms in my legs, by the morning did, after all, make my painful way to the shower (located at the first floor, whereas I'm living on the 9th). I happened to be stupid enough to fall into bed with wet hair. Though that's not the important part. What's important is that I didn't go out today despite I wanted to. I didn't because I should'nt have. It has lately been a problem for me to do what I should. It has been even more of a problem to just wait. I had all patience lost. I would on a free (and even not so free) day go to Skoltech (spending up to two hours in one direction) or even to Odintsovo (spending only God knows how much) just in hope to encounter somebody familiar. In hope that something would happen. I'm not even mentioning how I've been ignoring all home assignments in my MSc courses until very last moment this term. Or how I've been doing something essentially similar at work this summer. I could go on with this list for quite a while...

But today I wanted to go to Ziferblat again. Watch the movie, talk the talk. Pretend to live. I also felt almost capable of doing so after an entire day in bed. But I didn't. I didn't because I could be contagious, or appear contagious which isn't much better. This probably would sound like something trivial, like a common sense to any other person... But to me it's been really hard. I don't know where my ability of decision making has gone. But it has. Long time ago. I'm hoping that after my little stress-therapy it might be just coming back.

All I want is one day to quote:

Presume not I am the thing I was! I am the king, I'm not a patient!


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