Well... well... It's January 3rd. I've managed through last week of 2018, through new year's eve, through first couple days of 2019. It hasn't been very easy. Last week of the year I've been sleeping only once in three days, spending most of the time (night time included) in Ziferblat at Kuznetsky Most, leaving only for shower or some pre-arranged meetings. In the beginning I thought I was doing so to punish myself for some pretty stupid things I'd done by the end of the year. Later, however, I realized I was rather trying to fill some empty spaces. As a matter of fact, talking a few minutes ago to one of these nice persons inhabiting Ziferblat, I came to concept that I'm probably hoping to exhaust myself to such extent that I can't complain anymore, and at the same time to fill my life with new people and emotions. Some diversity perhaps. Some new sources... And then to try and start again.
This might just what I needed all this while. I've always been constraining myself to a very narrow scope of interests and activities. And I still believe that it makes sense. But somehow it led me to a degeneracy. I now just feel a lack of something. And I fill it with whatever comes into hand. Whomever comes into hand. I don't think it's bad to use people to fill emptyness. But I just had times when I got sort of frantic and requested too much. Not in a nice way either. I'm afraid of hurting people thus. I need to be careful.
I'm complaining too much, people don't like it. Got to learn to control it... I think these holidays I've been complaining less than months before. I hope so. I mean, obviously I still did complain. I shed a lot of negativity on people who don't deseerve any these sufferings and... Who weren't obliged to learn about my problems and give me any sympathy. Who am I to... They don't have to carry this burden. And I still push it onto them. Cause I feel that I can't otherwise. But I'm wrong. I can. I must.
Oh, I was trying to recall what my new year's eve was. Not for an outsider, but for myself. I still do not know why I'm putting this on gitlab pages.
- Evening, Dec 30: I watched a "Cat on a hot tin roof" (which was cool btw) at "Zvezda" on Kurskaya, and went a'bed.
- Dec 31: went to "Illusion" on Taganskaya, watched "Why are we creative?" which was kind of inspiring too.
- Dec 31, later: randomly walking round Moscow, then returned to Ziferblat,
- Dec 31-Jan 1: peeking around trying to find a party to stick with. Met many new people. More than ever in fact. I've been hanging out with some of Ziferblat's staff mainly, but also acquianted with some guys from Vision Labs, and also just random people. Lot of talking. Then I got numb again and spent the night listening to other folks' talks. Just sucking in information about the ways of life I've never lived. Tried reading Sturm's paper some further, but my mind wasn't working right.
- Jan 1: I can't actually remember. Not yet. I must've been doing something? I only remember some things scheduled for January 2, but not January 1. I remember that I didn't sleep that night, but had a short nap in the morning, as usual. Had I left Ziferblat? I think so, because I remember coming later in the evening and realizing the movie nights only begin the day after. Oh! I recall it now. I rode to Prospect Mira and met some distant relatives I haven't seen for a very long while (like ten years, I think). Met some new people again. Smalltalk again. Not as useful as working on Thibaut's problems would've been, but I did fill some more gaps. I'd like to think I did...
- Jan 2: I woke in the dorm. I woke very late, almost in the noon. That day I had two meetings arranged: I had a deal with my SLTheory mate and her fiance to watch the version of Frankenstein with Cumberbatch playing doctor, and I later I hoped to meet another Skoltech peer to drink until we shut down. By lunch time I got to Smolenskaya -- I was heading to Octyabr' cinema. Hoped to get there through some small streets but was confronted by Moscow's urban development dementia: knowing where Smolenskaya is and where Octyabr' on Novy Arbat is you can't just try and walk towards your destination, for you'll inevitably run into some fence, or guarded facility, or whatever. It also turned out, doctor-Cumberbatch version was really poorly shot. And to my thinking, Lee Miller rather failed to maintain the tempo in the first scenes of the play (the ones that are more pictures than words and are supposed to create that feeling of a pure unspoiled child being born and enjoying the world for the first time). Then we tried to have a lunch but after waiting for an hour and half it turned out waiters had lost our order and I was already late for my second meeting. I tried to get to Sukharevskaya, where I hoped to buy Barista's Pinotage that Eugene has much recommended. My phone lost charge long time ago, but I had a feeling that on Yandex Maps the curvature was different from that on local map in the metro exit... And I also had a feeling that I'm not walking along Sadovoye koltso, but along some way smaller street... And indeed I soon approached Sretensky bvd. To reduce the time loss, I started walking towards Ziferblat, through the "Aromatny mir" on Neglinnaya. Still couldn't make it in time. Actually, I don't even remember the number of all little fuckups that happened that day. But in the end I've been drinking all evening and then talking all night with some good folks. I might've said again too much that night. I don't know yet. I def. did say enough to leave an impression of a weak person. But probably not too disgusting yet. I'll try to maintain a happy face from now on. Oh, just realized I'm not wearing exactly the happiest face right now.
- Jan 3: not well separated from Jan 2... woke at Ziferblat, with Alexander (the coffee guy) greeting me, as he said, the second time. Tried reading. Fall asleep. Remembered I ate nothing but crisp breads and wine for an entire day and night, went out to grab some snack... reading again... asleep... one of the drunkards returned... smalltalk... reading... That's the most harmless thing that happens when I don't schedule anything for the day. Could've been much worse. But it's time to start working and stop messing around. I think I'll hang out here for the rest of the day. Abdalazis wrote that he's got some idea to discuss. I'll wait for him. Perhaps I'll watch the movie. And then to Lyiblino. The hated and disgusting Lyublino.
Something still doesn't work and I can't figure out why. But I feel better now.