One day I'll gather my strengths and eradicate the "SQL" part from sqlite. I really like the "application file format" idea of sqlite. We need a generic way of implementing persistence in applications that provides us out of the box with all these consistency guarantees, and even better with concurrency support. And we need to make it easy to exploit the structure of data (which we simply neglect when we use key-value and bunch-of-unsynced-files naivette). And relational model, when considered in a broader sense, is actually OK for this purpose. It's SQL that's not OK. The unnecessary constraints on domain types, the non-sensical idea of writing queries as strings in place of plain data structures, all of it. We need relational model implemented in language, supporting interchangeably both in-memory containers and on-disk storage.
Yesterday I bothered some more folks with the same problem. One of my interlocutors paused for a while thinking, but then replied with the words I had already heard. And I still wouldn't accept them. But then he started expounding it.
...if you came to a doctor and he he said you're dying -- what would your regrets be if any?
..., not becoming an acknowledged specialist in my field
...if you came to a doctor and he gave you just half a year, not nearly enough to fix anything
Well, wouldn't mind it then; I'd experience some emotions common to people encountering death but then I'd just live as I lived -- until I die;
Person1: basically claims that he just likes living
So do they all like. Or rather claim to like. What a horror
Well, at first I just felt confused. I thought I simply didn't understand their
answer. Later I realized I felt offended. That doesn't really make much sense.
How can you like living? And even if you do like it, how the hell that'd be a
reason to live? You don't live just because you like it. You must feel at least
injured being brought into this world without any reason or purpose and without
any real possibility to make an impact that could last eternally. Nay, it's
fear and false hope that make us live. Nothing else.
Okay. Good. Now you've lost me. I deny understanding anything about this world whatsoever.
There's but one question that won't let us sleep at nights but we all fail to state it exactly. In first approximation, it asks
"Good, there's been cut for us thus short span of life: what shall we do with it?"
Now if you ask a person such a question (such in form)
you're quite unlikely to get an answer.
For instance, there's
Person1. We used to spend
some time together when we were childs, but I
have no idea what
Person1 is now. So, I asked
Person1, what's your... plan for life?"
Of course I wouldn't get any answer. I would get
"you don't think much about any goals or plans
when your salary's delayed for two months".
Not interesting. But then, what should I ask if I want to get the answer? I'm seeking for a different quesion, possibly with a different meaning, that has however the same set of answers.
I made another attempt:
Person1, imagine yourself coming this evening to a doctor and him announcing yourself terminal. Imagine him saying that you've left but two years to live. Then some usual emotions would probably come, like shock or anger. Among them might come a thought of the form: "Wait, I can't be dying now because I haven't..." what?
What would you regret not finishing or not having done?
I still wouldn't get anything interesting, only "not having built a family" and "living on my own". Dull.
But then I asked that same question in a little larger group, moreover a group of my friends. A group of people that I am more like, and people that are more like me, compared to those outside. And suddenly the answers weren't anything I would except. Basically, they all replied... "Why, nothing". All with one abstention.
I could've probably anticipated one of them replying "why, I'm a happy person", and yet I haven't. It came very much like a shock to me.
Well... I couldn't say neither of these about my own self.
No definite conclusions
I might've deceived myself into taking an easier route again... I most certainly have... I'm going to Vorone`z. While it seems like at least a little consuming thing, I think I actually chose it because I'm still feeling weak. Both physically and mentally.
And also, there's this pretty sane fellow (
listened to all this mine "I'd rather do unimportant
things that matter to some particular person
than things important to me but not anyone else particular"
and replied immediately: "but that's how procrastination works!
you do something that is easy for you and that someone else can't do,
you get satisfaction by both helping someone and by proving superior"
What I didn't like about it is how it sounded almost like the truth.
There was today this other thing too...
About relationships, associations, you name it.
I heard from a different person (
Person2, not myself; pretty sure of existence)
that reasoning that I used to attribute to myself:
...and see, that's my problem: she'd want to watch some TV series or whatever, and I'd then like: "Ugh, what? What for? I mean, what's the use? Look, I'm doing (some technical stuff) right now, you may join if you want to. Nah? Well, sorry"
Now, that's still me. What struck me, is that I had... recently encountered one more... person whose attitude, I believe, is the same up to an isomorphism. And I suddenly wanted to do all these stupid things with that person. Like watching damn series. I actually wanted to try and see if I'm capable of being a human. If I'm capable of enjoying a human life.
I have, of course, ruined it before I could learn the answer, but that's hardly the point.
I did want to have and posses effects of normal person's traits.
But then, am I of the same kind as
Person1 and the kind that I used to belong to,
or am I, after all, a normal person? Perhaps we all are? Frightened common persons
P.S. I hate markdown so much... Why can't we just have \LaTeX? I want
\'c for accentrics,
I don't want fancy keyboards and I do not want to remember numbers -- that's stupid.
I finally did it. I just watched first half of Andrew Ng's "Convolutional Neural Networks" and I have now seen what exactly all these VGG's and Alexnets look like. I had some ideas, and I almost knew I wouldn't like to learn the truth. And yet, here it is: I am terrified by how astonishingly stupid these models are...
They really are hand-picking shapes and order of layers based on empircal observations and well... stack a LOT of layers, more than I thought of. Inception modules are something especially revoluting. Not nearly something I could train (or even run?) on my Intel-run laptop. UPD: I mean, of course I knew about all these particular things... yet it still shocked me to see the actual architecture
It disgusts me how such naive and arbitrary approaches should work better than everything else merely because we've envented GPUs at some point. This is cruel
It's 9:38pm and I'm still at the dorm. It is a good sign in a sense...
I'm staying because yesterday I woke up with a real cold: it happened after I, unable to sleep because of spasms in my legs, by the morning did, after all, make my painful way to the shower (located at the first floor, whereas I'm living on the 9th). I happened to be stupid enough to fall into bed with wet hair. Though that's not the important part. What's important is that I didn't go out today despite I wanted to. I didn't because I should'nt have. It has lately been a problem for me to do what I should. It has been even more of a problem to just wait. I had all patience lost. I would on a free (and even not so free) day go to Skoltech (spending up to two hours in one direction) or even to Odintsovo (spending only God knows how much) just in hope to encounter somebody familiar. In hope that something would happen. I'm not even mentioning how I've been ignoring all home assignments in my MSc courses until very last moment this term. Or how I've been doing something essentially similar at work this summer. I could go on with this list for quite a while...
But today I wanted to go to Ziferblat again. Watch the movie, talk the talk. Pretend to live. I also felt almost capable of doing so after an entire day in bed. But I didn't. I didn't because I could be contagious, or appear contagious which isn't much better. This probably would sound like something trivial, like a common sense to any other person... But to me it's been really hard. I don't know where my ability of decision making has gone. But it has. Long time ago. I'm hoping that after my little stress-therapy it might be just coming back.
All I want is one day to quote:
Presume not I am the thing I was! I am the king, I'm not a patient!
It is time to admit, It is simple and plain: I am addicted to pity, And not to the pain
2:30pm. Didn't even hope to wake up. The exhaustion had indeed been very pleasing. I could even describe as close to orgasmic. But only as long as I didn't try to stop the tension. When I tried to finally have a sleep -- as in, get into bed (not a chair) and relax the muscles (opposed to sitting in a fixed position with a laptop) -- my entire body started aching. Terrible pain in my back and neck. Spasms in my legs, one after the other. Tried to walk to the shower, but these spasms. Just couldn't find a place for myself. It's similar to what happens when you get a really bad cold, I think.
So, that was interesting experience, but I don't think I'm going to do that again.
Never have I in my life felt so relaxed and peaceful as I am feeling now. Neither alcohol, nor meditative tea ceremonies, nor writing -- nothing has touched me as much as merely not sleeping and not eating has moved me. I'm feeling this annoying pain in the muscles in my back, in my spine, in my neck and legs. I'm feeling as if I got a cold. But it is such a slight and pleasing pain, that gives you the feeling of some euphoria. It makes you want to haul quetly.
Now i believe I'm going to have a perfect sleep. All that's left is to get to the dorm, and I'm already approaching Vol\'zskaya station.
The recipy is: exhaust yourself, surround yourself with nice people, and after a couple days of hell just watch Harry Potter on a big screen in a good company, drinking a hot green tea with lemon all the time. Hope these nice people haven't been offended. Because I did use them
Well... well... It's January 3rd. I've managed through last week of 2018, through new year's eve, through first couple days of 2019. It hasn't been very easy. Last week of the year I've been sleeping only once in three days, spending most of the time (night time included) in Ziferblat at Kuznetsky Most, leaving only for shower or some pre-arranged meetings. In the beginning I thought I was doing so to punish myself for some pretty stupid things I'd done by the end of the year. Later, however, I realized I was rather trying to fill some empty spaces. As a matter of fact, talking a few minutes ago to one of these nice persons inhabiting Ziferblat, I came to concept that I'm probably hoping to exhaust myself to such extent that I can't complain anymore, and at the same time to fill my life with new people and emotions. Some diversity perhaps. Some new sources... And then to try and start again.
This might just what I needed all this while. I've always been constraining myself to a very narrow scope of interests and activities. And I still believe that it makes sense. But somehow it led me to a degeneracy. I now just feel a lack of something. And I fill it with whatever comes into hand. Whomever comes into hand. I don't think it's bad to use people to fill emptyness. But I just had times when I got sort of frantic and requested too much. Not in a nice way either. I'm afraid of hurting people thus. I need to be careful.
I'm complaining too much, people don't like it. Got to learn to control it... I think these holidays I've been complaining less than months before. I hope so. I mean, obviously I still did complain. I shed a lot of negativity on people who don't deseerve any these sufferings and... Who weren't obliged to learn about my problems and give me any sympathy. Who am I to... They don't have to carry this burden. And I still push it onto them. Cause I feel that I can't otherwise. But I'm wrong. I can. I must.
Oh, I was trying to recall what my new year's eve was. Not for an outsider, but for myself. I still do not know why I'm putting this on gitlab pages.
- Evening, Dec 30: I watched a "Cat on a hot tin roof" (which was cool btw) at "Zvezda" on Kurskaya, and went a'bed.
- Dec 31: went to "Illusion" on Taganskaya, watched "Why are we creative?" which was kind of inspiring too.
- Dec 31, later: randomly walking round Moscow, then returned to Ziferblat,
- Dec 31-Jan 1: peeking around trying to find a party to stick with. Met many new people. More than ever in fact. I've been hanging out with some of Ziferblat's staff mainly, but also acquianted with some guys from Vision Labs, and also just random people. Lot of talking. Then I got numb again and spent the night listening to other folks' talks. Just sucking in information about the ways of life I've never lived. Tried reading Sturm's paper some further, but my mind wasn't working right.
- Jan 1: I can't actually remember. Not yet. I must've been doing something? I only remember some things scheduled for January 2, but not January 1. I remember that I didn't sleep that night, but had a short nap in the morning, as usual. Had I left Ziferblat? I think so, because I remember coming later in the evening and realizing the movie nights only begin the day after. Oh! I recall it now. I rode to Prospect Mira and met some distant relatives I haven't seen for a very long while (like ten years, I think). Met some new people again. Smalltalk again. Not as useful as working on Thibaut's problems would've been, but I did fill some more gaps. I'd like to think I did...
- Jan 2: I woke in the dorm. I woke very late, almost in the noon. That day I had two meetings arranged: I had a deal with my SLTheory mate and her fiance to watch the version of Frankenstein with Cumberbatch playing doctor, and I later I hoped to meet another Skoltech peer to drink until we shut down. By lunch time I got to Smolenskaya -- I was heading to Octyabr' cinema. Hoped to get there through some small streets but was confronted by Moscow's urban development dementia: knowing where Smolenskaya is and where Octyabr' on Novy Arbat is you can't just try and walk towards your destination, for you'll inevitably run into some fence, or guarded facility, or whatever. It also turned out, doctor-Cumberbatch version was really poorly shot. And to my thinking, Lee Miller rather failed to maintain the tempo in the first scenes of the play (the ones that are more pictures than words and are supposed to create that feeling of a pure unspoiled child being born and enjoying the world for the first time). Then we tried to have a lunch but after waiting for an hour and half it turned out waiters had lost our order and I was already late for my second meeting. I tried to get to Sukharevskaya, where I hoped to buy Barista's Pinotage that Eugene has much recommended. My phone lost charge long time ago, but I had a feeling that on Yandex Maps the curvature was different from that on local map in the metro exit... And I also had a feeling that I'm not walking along Sadovoye koltso, but along some way smaller street... And indeed I soon approached Sretensky bvd. To reduce the time loss, I started walking towards Ziferblat, through the "Aromatny mir" on Neglinnaya. Still couldn't make it in time. Actually, I don't even remember the number of all little fuckups that happened that day. But in the end I've been drinking all evening and then talking all night with some good folks. I might've said again too much that night. I don't know yet. I def. did say enough to leave an impression of a weak person. But probably not too disgusting yet. I'll try to maintain a happy face from now on. Oh, just realized I'm not wearing exactly the happiest face right now.
- Jan 3: not well separated from Jan 2... woke at Ziferblat, with Alexander (the coffee guy) greeting me, as he said, the second time. Tried reading. Fall asleep. Remembered I ate nothing but crisp breads and wine for an entire day and night, went out to grab some snack... reading again... asleep... one of the drunkards returned... smalltalk... reading... That's the most harmless thing that happens when I don't schedule anything for the day. Could've been much worse. But it's time to start working and stop messing around. I think I'll hang out here for the rest of the day. Abdalazis wrote that he's got some idea to discuss. I'll wait for him. Perhaps I'll watch the movie. And then to Lyiblino. The hated and disgusting Lyublino.
Something still doesn't work and I can't figure out why. But I feel better now.